Always the Last to Know...

If you've been reading my blog for a very long time you will know that after the birth of my second child I was laid low with Post Natal Depression. 'Depression' doesn't even do the damn thing justice - mood was the last thing to go. With the rise and fall of massive amounts of hormones and chemicals in our pregnancy-to-post-pregnancy brains plenty can get knocked off balance. In my case (and in many cases) the chemical free-for-all knocked one of the balance-centres in one of my inner ears off. Neural networks weren't relaying the messages from ear to brain. I had debilitating vertigo (I would have to put the kids to bed on my hands and knees to stop falling over) which left me unable to walk without holding onto a frame of somekind. The room would constantly spin, leaving me feeling constantly sea-sick and with a constant migraine just trying to see straight - my eyes would constantly track, because every second was like I'd just stepped off a merry-go-round. Every step was like walking a tightrope and for no reason some steps felt like I had just dropped a hundred feet and blacked out. Very scary, especially when you don't really know what's wrong with you, you imagine the worse and realise you have two small kids that you don't want to leave behind.



The mood changes were part and parcel of it, but the odd thing with depression is that you are the last person who sees it. You think, 'I'm not depressed - if my husband wasn't such a prat I'd be OK' or 'if this dizziness would go I'd be happy' or 'if we just get over this bump in the road it would be all plain sailing'. And you know what? Those are lies we tell ourselves, because if we weren't depressed then the husband's prattishness would be funny, the dizziness put into perspective and the hump in the road a nice little change of scenery. Depression is a silent stalker and you will never know you have it til it's way of out of control.



Luckily I have an excellent GP who I love to bits. She listens to me, nudges me gently and really knows what's going on. I have been on anti-depressants for about four years now, and this winter (against my GPs advice) I decided to come off them. And for a few weeks everything was great. But that insidious creeping hand of depression sapped me dry and after a pretty crappy week which called on some reserves I no longer had, it was time to admit defeat - again - and start back on them.



In some ways I'm annoyed - I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life; but at the same time I want to be functional - 'normal' will never really be my thing - but able to interact with my family? That is pretty essential, I'd say.

I don't think I'll ever be free from depression if I'm honest. I have too much baggage and too much negative self-talk that keeps pulling me under. I have self-esteem issues; I don't like myself at all one little bit and know the feeling is pretty much mutual wherever I go! And that feeds back into the negative self talk etc. But I've started to take steps to reclaiming health this year, one of which is to be part of Heather's Whole Food Kitchen Workshop. Something one of the other partipants said in their introductions about eating healthily being necessary to avoid getting depressed was something that rattled around in my head (as there was nothing in there to prevent it rattling around). I eat terribly - two cups of tea a day sometimes. Is it any wonder I feel like crap?

Taking charge of my diet this year is something that has been a long time coming; I may share some of that journey here.

Another thing is that I'm cutting back on my online time - I know - shocking. I tend to have the PC on constantly and it's just *there* like a telephone, ready for a quick email, check the news, find something educational, and yeah if we're honest, Pinterest and Facebook and Twitter. And whereas a lot of my online time is pleasant I was reminded last week why I have a deep suspicion of it all. There's always some ugliness and ugly character traits waiting to have free reign. Or someone spreading bad news. Or something typed in haste that sounds different to what you said in your head. And yes, it takes up time I could be having a life in. So I've left facebook. Stalking really isn't my thing. I've also stopped reading the news - headlines only then run away - that's a new survival technique in this miserable world. And I may even get rid of comments on the blog. Because, honestly, I've had enough of shallow intellectualism and handbags at dawn to last a lifetime - a sign of monkeys and those devoid of Allah's love is that they love argumentation; and I really don't. I think I remember why I lost my voice. I need to cut back on the negatives, stop the negative self-talk tape set on repeat from drowning out the good stuff, and to focus on the beauty, the goodness and the good in others that brings out the best in myself. Negativity is an ugly whirlpool. Some people, some situations, some paths just bring out the worst in us and drag us under. I may even *begins to hyperventilate* turn off the computer altogether until evening.....

But mainly, I am excited to be trying to turn our family's eating habits around this year. Or maybe just mine. Whatever works. If I can get my two little men into eating more green things then I'll be happy. I am actually really excited to be starting this three month course with Heather and the rest of the participants. There is so much positivity over there it kind of helps relight a dwindling flame somewhere deep inside me.

So, a renewed pledge to Positivity and good friends. Whatever you're doing, and whatever works for you, I hope it is a path that is beautiful, full of positive energy and that you are surrounded by people who bring out the best in you! I'm slowly realising, after all these years, that that is what really matters.


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Ramadan Twenty Eleven

So it begins. The month long fast. The month which Muslims look forward to and worry about in equal measure.

Today starts a month whereby Muslims will refrain from eating and drinking, and generally all round sinning or satisfying the appetites, from dawn til sunset. Each day about an hour before dawn begins we will wake and eat our morning meal, imbibe as much caffeine as we possibly can before making the verbal intention to fast for the sake of the pleasure of the One God. After that is said, no thing shall pass our lips, neither inwards nor outwards, that would consistute as 'forbidden'; no nourishment for the body, no sin from the depths of our soul, and we stand guard, vigilant over ourselves, like soldiers ready to puncture any wrong doing before it takes hold of our body and soul. And we pray. More than usual. In fact, we put ourselves through spiritual rehab - reforming, training, breaking bad habits and getting our souls into shape, to behave the way we ought to be behaving all the time.

To those outside the believing fraternity this all sounds like a month of sheer obscure hell, the result of an extremism of fervour, misguided blind faith or some subconscious desire to punish ourselves. In truth, for those who practise fasting in the prescribed manner, it is actually the exact opposite, like being washed from the inside-out, like a stone, previously unperceived, has been lifted from our hearts and backs and something altogether more subtle and precious is allowed to breathe.

For most (all) of the time we satisfy our animal appetites without question; we eat when we are hungry, drink when we are thirsty and spend our life chasing one desire after another, like monkies swinging from tree to tree following the fruit, without any time to stop, reflect, refrain, and become master of our own selves. We are led like cattle by the nose by our own animal appetites, and insofar as we are led by them we remain defined by them :: we are no more than the animal we succomb to.

But there is something else; that small quiet voice that is all but drowned out by our wordly affairs, that yearns and belongs to another realm altogether. The spirit. The soul. The true self. That spark of intuitive knowledge, the Knowing Self which recognises truth, that glimmer of light that pulls us out of the dumb world of beasts and into the divine world of knowledge and creation. That precious element of our being gets a chance to shine and breathe and grow in this month, for it is said that when the body is weak the soul is strong; when the animal appetites have been brought under a reign the true self, unshackled at last, can soar.

I remember my first ever Ramadan. I wasn't a Muslim, I was very much a Christian, and I have no idea why I fasted, but I did. It was then that I realised that religion is not a set of beliefs, not a dogma to agree to and sign up to, but it was a tool to purify the self, to raise oneself in dignified living so that we could approach the One God as purified and dignified as we could - to somehow polish the dirty mirror that we usually are so that we reflect the Divine Light into the world. Whatever polemic existed then for me, fasting made it all irrelevant, as irrelevant as trying to find the sun using a lamp. Truth stands clear from error.

It was an intensely spiritual time for me, being at university and having no more to do than whatever it is that took my fancy. I fasted the whole month of Ramadan and, not wanting it to end, fasted Lent too (which fell a week later) - the whole forty days. In fact, that whole year I spent fasting one and off. You would think that I would be glad to shake off the restrictions and spend the rest of the year making up for lost time, but far from it.

This is a month that cannot be replaced, so for those of you who are fasting, don't waste a second of it. Feed the soul and purify yourself. As we know, this world is no more than a test, a fleeting illusion, a bridge from one realm to the next. Pass over it quickly and remember your true destination.

From God we come, and to God we return, and we take nothing with us except our deeds.

Set the soul free.

Xx



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