Monday 13 February 2012

Always the Last to Know...

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If you've been reading my blog for a very long time you will know that after the birth of my second child I was laid low with Post Natal Depression. 'Depression' doesn't even do the damn thing justice - mood was the last thing to go. With the rise and fall of massive amounts of hormones and chemicals in our pregnancy-to-post-pregnancy brains plenty can get knocked off balance. In my case (and in many cases) the chemical free-for-all knocked one of the balance-centres in one of my inner ears off. Neural networks weren't relaying the messages from ear to brain. I had debilitating vertigo (I would have to put the kids to bed on my hands and knees to stop falling over) which left me unable to walk without holding onto a frame of somekind. The room would constantly spin, leaving me feeling constantly sea-sick and with a constant migraine just trying to see straight - my eyes would constantly track, because every second was like I'd just stepped off a merry-go-round. Every step was like walking a tightrope and for no reason some steps felt like I had just dropped a hundred feet and blacked out. Very scary, especially when you don't really know what's wrong with you, you imagine the worse and realise you have two small kids that you don't want to leave behind.

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The mood changes were part and parcel of it, but the odd thing with depression is that you are the last person who sees it. You think, 'I'm not depressed - if my husband wasn't such a prat I'd be OK' or 'if this dizziness would go I'd be happy' or 'if we just get over this bump in the road it would be all plain sailing'. And you know what? Those are lies we tell ourselves, because if we weren't depressed then the husband's prattishness would be funny, the dizziness put into perspective and the hump in the road a nice little change of scenery. Depression is a silent stalker and you will never know you have it til it's way of out of control.

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Luckily I have an excellent GP who I love to bits. She listens to me, nudges me gently and really knows what's going on. I have been on anti-depressants for about four years now, and this winter (against my GPs advice) I decided to come off them. And for a few weeks everything was great. But that insidious creeping hand of depression sapped me dry and after a pretty crappy week which called on some reserves I no longer had, it was time to admit defeat - again - and start back on them.

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In some ways I'm annoyed - I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life; but at the same time I want to be functional - 'normal' will never really be my thing - but able to interact with my family? That is pretty essential, I'd say.

I don't think I'll ever be free from depression if I'm honest. I have too much baggage and too much negative self-talk that keeps pulling me under. I have self-esteem issues; I don't like myself at all one little bit and know the feeling is pretty much mutual wherever I go! And that feeds back into the negative self talk etc. But I've started to take steps to reclaiming health this year, one of which is to be part of Heather's Whole Food Kitchen Workshop. Something one of the other partipants said in their introductions about eating healthily being necessary to avoid getting depressed was something that rattled around in my head (as there was nothing in there to prevent it rattling around). I eat terribly - two cups of tea a day sometimes. Is it any wonder I feel like crap?

Taking charge of my diet this year is something that has been a long time coming; I may share some of that journey here.

Another thing is that I'm cutting back on my online time - I know - shocking. I tend to have the PC on constantly and it's just *there* like a telephone, ready for a quick email, check the news, find something educational, and yeah if we're honest, Pinterest and Facebook and Twitter. And whereas a lot of my online time is pleasant I was reminded last week why I have a deep suspicion of it all. There's always some ugliness and ugly character traits waiting to have free reign. Or someone spreading bad news. Or something typed in haste that sounds different to what you said in your head. And yes, it takes up time I could be having a life in. So I've left facebook. Stalking really isn't my thing. I've also stopped reading the news - headlines only then run away - that's a new survival technique in this miserable world. And I may even get rid of comments on the blog. Because, honestly, I've had enough of shallow intellectualism and handbags at dawn to last a lifetime - a sign of monkeys and those devoid of Allah's love is that they love argumentation; and I really don't. I think I remember why I lost my voice. I need to cut back on the negatives, stop the negative self-talk tape set on repeat from drowning out the good stuff, and to focus on the beauty, the goodness and the good in others that brings out the best in myself. Negativity is an ugly whirlpool. Some people, some situations, some paths just bring out the worst in us and drag us under. I may even *begins to hyperventilate* turn off the computer altogether until evening.....

But mainly, I am excited to be trying to turn our family's eating habits around this year. Or maybe just mine. Whatever works. If I can get my two little men into eating more green things then I'll be happy. I am actually really excited to be starting this three month course with Heather and the rest of the participants. There is so much positivity over there it kind of helps relight a dwindling flame somewhere deep inside me.

So, a renewed pledge to Positivity and good friends. Whatever you're doing, and whatever works for you, I hope it is a path that is beautiful, full of positive energy and that you are surrounded by people who bring out the best in you! I'm slowly realising, after all these years, that that is what really matters.


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25 comments:

  1. Hi D
    Your not alone my love I started back on my medication last month after 6 months off I tried to fight it but got so low it was impossible to do anything..my lovely dr said to me stop worying about it, if I was diabetic then insulin would be part of my daily life....sadly I don't talk about it because there feels like such a stigma about the D word...so great post :)

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  2. Yes my GP says the same thing; she's very matter-of-fact about it. I think you either have to be a doctor or actually on ADs to understand. Everyone else thinks all you need to do is look in the mirror and say 'I love me' and that should be enough. I'm not bothered about stigma; I wouldnt be embarrassed about a broken leg and it's not like I'm a crack addict.... although painkiller misuse increases whenever I go under...

    But six months was a great chunk of time off medication! It must have been winter that did for you? I'm sure it was the final straw for me...

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  3. I understand, really, really understand. I have no self confidence at all, its takes very little to make me wobble (emotionally, even less physically!!) these days. PND is horrible, you don't realise until you are suffercating with it. I'm not on facebook, or twitter, or pintrest or even ravelry... I don't even have a blog (shock!!) I found that when my emotions are out of kilter (more than usual) I spend more time on the PC and tbh its not helpful, it makes me feel worse!! I diet is very important and thats something that i need to do, getting outside makes me feel happier, being creative (cooking, sewing, drawing, knitting) and of course enjoying time with my children but all those things need a lot of energy, so its a battle.
    Amanda

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  4. It is a battle. I try to explain to my children what's going on, so I think they know some days will be a struggle for me and they know good intentions sometimes never make it into action...

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  5. Deb..I found your blog first through your comments on Soule Mama...Somehow, your voice stood out from the crowd. You very often make me smile..laugh..with your raucous sense of humor. I think your work..here, is interesting, uplifting and inspirational. Depression robs people of a life they could be living. I do not have depression...somehow..it skipped me. My Mother suffered miserably with it...and my only child, a daughter, had PPD so bad that she could not take care of her own son..my little Zach, who we finally adopted in a mutual agreement. She suffers with addiction issues as well, which I am well aware plague people with depression. I have made it my life's work to study mental Health, work to improve understanding, decrease the stigma's surrounding this, and give compassionate care to the patients I work with every day. You shine, Debbie...don't go away all together!!! I would truly miss you, your VOICE, and your crafty skills:) Thanks for taking the time to write such a meaningfull post....XO-I can't seem to sign in today..Michaelanne

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  6. Hi Thank you for your honest post. I too avoid too much time on the computer and reading the news a lot because I find both of those things can be energy draining.I try to reflect back at the end of each day to discover which of the activities I've taken part in have actually been life giving- all too often computer time is not one of them, however making time to feed myself and my children well is increasingly proving enjoyable! Never would I have thought I would say that!but I suppose it is a sense of doing something valuable!

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  7. Thankyou. I'm sorry to hear that about your daughter. He's a lucky little boy to have you. It often makes me wonder in this age of post-nuclear families how children fair when parents suffer from depression when there isn't another adult possibly for miles who can should the burden. My family is fragmented - scattered all over the country. I am sure I would feel less buckled sometimes if they were nearer, and it's at times like this I truly value my DH. Even though he's an idiot. It takes a village, doesn't it?

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  8. I try to do things of value, but some days I just want to hide under the duvet....

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  9. HIding under the duvet would be a good thing. We all need a day under the duvet.... ; ) It took me 45 years to admit I had issues with depression and social anxiety problems. Lexapro has soothed my soul, and I will never stop taking it. I had no idea life could feel this good. I totally never beat myself up anymore. I am glad you discovered it early and are treating it.
    I left this blog to it's own devices two years ago, but this is one of my entries. I just got so sick of hating myself. ; )

    http://www.freewebs.com/thinkyummythoughts/apps/blog/show/1877202-all-worthy-of-love

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  10. I don't really beat myself up, because part of my basic nature is not to give a flying toss what others think - never have, never will. But the lack of energy, lethargy, lack of love for life... it takes it's toll. I am much more productive on ADs (so far) than without. I hope one day I can fly solo, but so long as I'm a good mama I don't care if it's with or without meds...

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  11. Hi, I hate the fact that I have to take a pill each day to make me feel 80% normal. However the crash I experienced when I came off them is somewhere I never want to go again. What helps me is to think about the physical side of depression. It is a chemical imbalance. "Antidepressants alter the balance of some of the chemicals in the brain (neurotransmitters). SSRI antidepressants mainly affect a neurotransmitter called serotonin. An altered balance of serotonin and other neurotransmitters is thought to play a part in causing depression and other conditions." it helps me. It helps me to think that it is something that is broken. I would not ignore a broken bone. I would not think, oh it will just sort itself out. It needs help. I need help.

    take care of yourself.

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  12. Yes, this is true. Because it's invisible doesn't mean it's not broken.

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  13. I have been on SSRI for 25 years. This fall, I had to find a new one and I too crashed during the transition - not depression but anxiety. I know how horrible it is and I do understand. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hoping you feel better soon. I think you are awesome! Lisa L.

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  14. its tough to deal with depression when everyone around you thinks you should just get on with it. The thing i hate most about it.. is that it makes me irritable with my boys.. and that depresses me even more.

    I'm so glad you posted this honest blogpost.. and to read that other ppl do experiance similar issues its reassuring but also painful, as really you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

    thanks Debbie.. I guess this may be our ticket to paradise insha'Allah xx

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  15. Yes. The irritability is unbearable sometimes. I do try to explain to my kids why I get like that sometimes. They are very forgiving. And it's tough when people give sympathy then run out of patience when the depression lasts longer than their patience! They do expect a closure to it....

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  16. Thank you Lisa. I hope your crash has turned around and you're finding something that works for you! Xx

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  17. I think it shows guts to go back on them or even admit you need them. I could never even attempt it. I find this time of year horrible ( SAD I think)but drag myself through it bitching at dh. I got a notification you had left Faceache but my days on there are sporadic now. I left for 4 months and got lured back but it's an odd place. Weird atmosphere.

    Oh and I like you :) xx

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  18. Can I add my thanks too, for your honesty, and wish you all the best. I spent ten years or so being depressed when I was a lot younger, and what motivated me to make changes was becoming a mother. I gained life-changing insights from reading the works of Dorothy Rowe and I absolutely recommend her several very wise books on depression.
    Helen

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  19. Thank you Helen. I will check her out. Feeling much better this week.

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  20. Depression. Been there, am there, know it! :) I think we need to be open about our issues because the more we hide them and not speak out, the less help we can give ourselves and others. There are so many women going through so much and it's become "easier" to just keep it bottled in. I will be praying for you and your own journey. We only live once and this one opportunity to make things right with our Creator by fulfilling our duties is worth every effort. It is so hard, though!

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  21. I used to read your blog years ago when we both had PND, then I stopped blogging and started writing on FB instead which was a big mistake ! I started taking antidepressants when I had PND and they (Zoloft) just made it worse..probably a bad reaction to that particular SSRI but I didn't feel I could risk trialling any others. You really need a support system to do that. Lately I have found myself plummeting again and I'm considering trying antidepressants again. I have an autoimmune disease and need to trial medication for that too, and I'm in the process of separating with my husband, so it's all fun and games. Depression really is a total bastard. I worry about my kids living in a nuclear and now single parent family with a depressed mother, because that was my experience as a child and it wasn't a good one. But we can only live with what comes our way. I should probably learn to knit but I fear spearing someone with a knitting needle :)

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  22. Ask your go for cipralex. It's the best on the market they don't like giving it out because is expensive but ask for it, they'll have to give you it, it's really excellent. Praying for some ease for you and your babes soon xx

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  23. That should have been ask your GP not go (damn autocorrect)

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  24. thank you, I'll check it out, prayers for you too xxx

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